Some Velvet Morning

Brisbane Memories.

2010-02-08T12:07:00.000+11:00

I have been asked "What happened in Brisbane?" and although I saw heaps of people I hadn't seen in years, it wasn't all that blog worthy, no insane drinking/getting arrested/awkward moments etc. The one thing my piggy brain does remember vividly is the meal I had at a Vietnamese restaurant in the Valley. You can see the picture above of how much I enjoyed it. My message to the chef. But seriously - I know perhaps I shouldn't have orderd Singaporean Noodles in a Vietnamese Restaurant, but it was on the menu and really - ANY ASIAN should be able to cook up a decent plate of noodles. I've had fast food noodles that had more taste than this pile. This special message to the chef reminds me of another meal in the Valley a few years ago.... see here:

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2152/1349/1600/dnner.jpg

Holidays - The Final Piece

2010-02-07T10:52:00.001+11:00

IMG_7328
Originally uploaded by likim2

Wow I must REALLY be cured of blogging if it has taken me this long to finish my three part holiday update! The memories have faded but I'll try and make it sound as 'exciting' as my time with mother. Not sure if I can actually do this without giving away dodgy information that may incriminate people... (mother)...

So after two glorious nights on the see-saw/blow-up bed from hell surrounded by nightmarish 'sexy' ebay costumes I went to stay with my Nana. This was the first time I'd seen Nana in over a year and it was going to be an eyeopener because I'd hadn't seen her since she: got really sick and nearly died/was put on an oxygen tank/ had to give up smoking and got a new cat who didn't attack her.

Baby bird. Those were the first two words that I thought of. A bird who hasn't gotten all it's fur, I mean feathers yet, a bird who has fallen out of the nest (or has been pushed) and has landed on the footpath. Ouch. Apart from that and the fact she was wearing what I have called "Nana Resort Wear" (really bright shots and a singlet) she was looking pretty good. Tiny, kinda gangly and with 10 metres of plastic tube that finished just under her nose, but apart from that she was the same old Nana. Within moments I had 37 junk mail catalogues to read and marvel at. 89 cents for John West Tuna?! - that IS insane! You could totally justify driving 10 kms to buy 10 cans of the stuff at that price!

I was also introduced to Lucy Lui the new non attack kitten Nana has acquired. This is such a relief because the last one was truly psycho and would attack and bite and run up the walls and when you've got PAPER THIN and I'm talking TISSUE PAPER THIN - skin, no good can come of looking after an animal like that. And although I did think Lucy Lui was great, no matter how much I was coaxed by Nana (and Mum): "Come on, isn't she beautiful, just let her kiss you... put your nose, your face up here and she'll come along and give you a... mwaaahhhh... smooch!" I was just not down with letting a cat make out with my face.

Not too much happened at Nana's to be honest. There was lots of talking (her) and lots of listening (me). Some of this was easy and some of this was hard. Imagine you're sent to stay with a virtual prisoner who has been on solitary confinement for five years. Yes. I think you're getting the picture.

Listening also became hard when Nana insisted on visiting old wounds - I think she manages to bring this up every time I see her - the fact that when I was FIVE and we lived together, apparently I was LINDA BLAIR from The Exorcist and I used to terrorize her, TRYING TO PUSH HER OVER AND HEADBUTT her in the hallway of the house! I'm not sure how much of this is true, because I was fricking five and I can't remember, but she will not let it go. It's like she doesn't count the past decade where I have made every effort to hang out with her and visit her (even coming from interstate) - nah it's all about the time I allegedly tried to headbutt her! I was a good kid, I seriously doubt I would have done that, although the only vague memory I have of living with her was that she did annoy me as she wasn't as chilled out as my stoner parents. I don't know, perhaps I should make her an "I'm Sorry for being Linda Blair" card, perhaps then the matter would be put at rest!

It was the height of Summer so we had seven fans a-blowing, one cat a-shedding and my two lungs filled with cat fur. I actually woke up one morning convinced I was trapped inside an op shop clothing bin, it was that "hot, stuffy and Nana clothes" smelling in the spare room.

And as usual I couldn't help myself and set about snapping away with my camera at the super kitsch that fills a Nana's home. Photos on the flickr.

As much as I do like seeing my Nana and she can be a real crack up - by the end of the two days I was ready to move onto Brisbane and see old friends.

Tour of Duty - Part 2

2010-01-30T11:20:00.000+11:00

Before I start working REALLY HARD on this job application due on Monday let's purge ourselves of the past shall we and let the story continue....

I forgot when discussing my time with Mum, an important event that didn't really involve her, but happened at her place.

A phone call.

My mobile phone rings and although it's a private number I do pick it up incase a mircale has happened and I have actually been given a job interview.... The guy on the other end of the phone asks for me by name and I say yes, that's me.

I move into the 'storage room' my eyes running across the medievil white gown hanging in a plastic bag next to my blow up bed. The next thing I know (he may have introduced himself, but I suspect not) the guy is asking me what type of TV I have. All I heard was the word TV and I thought for a split second I might be getting a call for TV work... so I'm just saying "Yes, uh huh yes" But he is insistent on asking what brand of TV I have. Confused, I tell him I don't know. He then tries to ask how big the TV is... I'm sorry. What the what? He asks again. I still don't get it. I mean who cares? I'm cracking it by now, who is this guy asking me about my TV and why?! Is he trying to sell me fucking Foxtel?

(insert MEGA shitty voice here): I'm sorry who are you and why are you calling me? I don't understand.

Awkward pause... My name's *Martin* from TechnoTV and you've just won a 42 inch LCD plasma TV and an Xbox Bundle.

*crickets*

Ahhh.... ohhhh..... *desperately trying to pull up the shabby matting to crawl under it and die*

Hmmm so yes, apparently he wasn't trying to sell me something, he was trying out his *tricky and witty* speil about me winning a prize.

I finally remember I entered a competition months ago answering a question involving Twittering MC Hammer and die thinking that someone actually read my 'tweet' which asked MC Hammer for his pants because "I'm going camping and my tent is busted".

And the next part of the conversation (after I apologise about ripping him a new one) is the terms and conditions. The guy informs me that they need a picture of myself with the prize! Ha! Oh yes. I was about to ask him if he was sure he wanted that, I mean really, who would want a grimacing picture of some awkward Asian next to a flat screen TV and Xbox?! Really, who would want that... But apparently it has to be done, so when the TV finally arrives I shall borrow Ben's best 'never fail' smile and try and snap something decent.

Things could be worse.... I went back and read the actual terms and conditions and it stated they wanted to FILM an interview with me! I can only imagine this is for some legal loop hole to give away big prizes because really - as if they would spend time and money going to people's houses to interview some moron about a prize. Thank god they don't!

Special Holiday Report Blog Reprisal - Part 1 (Because my family's insanity needs to be documented)

2010-01-29T11:08:00.001+11:00

I am not sure that blogging about my trip to Queensland will work now, will have the full impact -since I have been back for a couple of days and the pain has dulled somewhat. But I will try and recount the experience with some accuracy by sitting here with one foot in the toaster.

I flew into the Gold Coast and was picked up by mum at the airport. Her brown super bronzed skin (SKIN CELLS IN TRAUMA!) dazzled me as I jumped into the car (practically still moving as she didn't want to stop and pay for parking - hence the reason I couldn't have check in luggage). She wisked me away to her new home (granny flat) on the Isle of Capri which was nice enough except for the bondage outfit that appeared to be hanging in the hallway lit by the fluro bar light above. Mum insisted it wasn't a bondage outfit but a 'pirate costume' (from her E-bay Store) but to me it was no comfort as it still looked like a medievil milk maid shirt with a fake leather/pvc bodice. My bedroom which is her storage room (should probably be her bedroom but isn't as she sleeps in the lounge) was filled with stock (stockings, pirate/cowboy hats, bunny ears, lycra sailor moon costumes etc), a couple of dummies and a blow up bed.

After a nice seafood marinara cooked on mum's camp stove she bought back from Bali (yeah that time she accidentally smuggled gas cylinders back in her hand luggage) I plugged in the bed and up it went. Unforunately this didn't last long as I woke up at 3am sleeping on a seesaw, it's hard to explain, my arse was on the ground but my head wasn't and my legs were in the air. Not used to not having daylight savings I got up at the crack of D and went and took some photos of Gold Coast buildings etc.

Later Mum found a two for one voucher and we decided it was time for a FANTASY FEAST at the all you can eat Casino Buffet. Now as you probably know I'm a piggy, I come from a family of piggies but I HAVE come to my senses and now know that all you can eat affairs are not healthy (as I stare down at my ever increasing spare tyre and remember vividly throwing up passionfruit ice cream on the carpet at the Big Pineapple after stuffing myself stupid and not being able to make it to the bathroom in time (aged five). But with the promise of sushi I went along with mum and narrowly avoided her saying I was THIRTEEN just so I could get in for half price. ( I have bad / stressful memories of this type of thing happening when I was seven and she would get me to pretend I was five so I could get into places for free. The pressure of being quizzed by cashiers on the (fake) year of my birthday was all too much for me. )

And let me go on the record now: I will NEVER do another all you can eat buffett. They are the most depressing places on earth and make everyone seem like greedy disgusting animals (close to mall food courts) - although I will admit the cheese cake was surprisingly good. There wasn't anything too exciting to tell about the buffett (no bloody sushi!) except that I managed not to spew and we left for the mall to (in the words of my delusional mother) 'walk off the food'. If only my Mother's world really existed where 'walking really fast down the hall to the toilet' would burn off all the calories you just consumed at dinner. Where trying on three tops in a shop would work off the Fantasy Feast buffett we just ate. (She actually said this as she went into the changerooms to try on some clothes). Insanity.

I don't think there is much else to tell about my trip to see my mother. Except for the time I told her I had a craving for pancakes and she insisted I eat some garlic roti bread she had instead as it would be a suitable subtitute. Her reasoning... they were the same SHAPE as pancakes! Yes, I often eat food for the shape.

Next time: Nana's house and beyond...

I almost lasted a week without a blog....

2009-11-13T19:12:00.003+11:00

So I made a new one!

This blog angryaliceart.blogspot.com will feature artists I admire and updates on my own photography/drawings/prints on Flickr.

Basically it's so I can keep track of all the great things I find during the year but then forget about or lose.

Hardest Break-up of All

2009-11-08T07:32:00.008+11:00

I've been thinking / talking about it for AGES.

But this will be my final official post on this blog.

4.5 Years - I have been writing every little detail of my life down...

All FIVE JOBS - dozens of workmates, the good the bad and the ugly, the creepy.

2 houses

7 housemates - life long friends, siblings and those who I'll never see again

Numerous costume parties (the L party, the brown/kitchen party, 2 Halloween parties, the kitchen-wear party, the medi-evil party, the whore house party, the new years parties, the medical party)

And anything else that spewed from my brain... mostly to do with food, 80's music, pms, food and awkward social interaction (my life)

But yeah, I think we're done, seriously though blog, it's not you, it's me.

I'm currently looking for a job (well not yet, but tomorrow I swear!) and I don't feel particularly exciting so I'll put you out of your misery - I won't kill and bury you but leave you here in a comatose state.

I've been thinking of doing a "best of blog" in the form of a Zine (ie. old school photocopied pages) but then I realized how much effort it would be to sift through the blog (which I have already done) and then edit and rewrite a lot of material (which I have half done) and to illustrate the stories and make them look interesting (also half way through that) then I came to the conclusion that I hate the sound of my own voice (typing) and it would be living in the past to publish writings by Angry Alice - who I want to get rid of (yep, totally in that self loathing, personality transplant please! mode). If I do decide to do it, Mum - I'll let you know!

So for now you can find me on the dreaded FB (why can't I quit you? Although it's the only way I keep in contact with the outside world) and I will also be updating my flickr page on a regular basis (while this current creative splurt lasts).

New flickr address: http://www.flickr.com/photos/li-kimchuah/

Peace... and SORRY to anyone I may draw and unintentionally make less attractive/anatomically incorrect.

Draw Like a Child

2009-11-05T19:04:00.001+11:00

More drawings here....

The First Day...

2009-11-02T17:05:00.004+11:00

Today marks my first day out of the workforce, as I head full throttle into the Pyjama Force.

I know I've been unemployed a million times before but this bout of unemployment is supposed to be different because I have chosen this. I have made a conscious decision to make it on my own, to be my own boss "at something" (yet to figure that minor detail out). Basically I'm a little lost and now living off the house deposit savings I have accumulated over the years which will never actually increase enough to be used as a deposit on a house because I can never find a stable job in the arts.

But please let me interrupt myself with some pictures before my spine pierces through the back of my own skull while I sit on what must be THE most piece of shit office chair ever to be built by under paid under aged workers in a Taiwanese office chair factory.

Ok so imagine sitting on a rickety one of these atop of one of these. Yeah - it's literally doing wonders for my posture - I think my earlobes are swelling.

So yes.... what to do with my life.... hmmmm

I will get back to you on that - Antiques Roadshow is about to start.

Post Script:

Rushed to the TV only to find Eddie and his Chins hosting "Who wants to sit in a chair to be asked questions by a smug twat, only to be given the answers excruciatingly slowly after a commercial break" - and I hate that show so I decided not to watch it or the one where you use your intellectual powers to guess which briefcase has which amount of money in it. (Number 12 you fool!)

I guess I should start 'my new life' by writing a list of what I want to do or how I'm going to do it in the meantime before I go crawling back to "the Man" for a wage that I can actually live off.

Writing is my answer / something creative* - (*you know I've always had the urge to do video art where I film myself brushing my teeth for eight hours til my gums bleed to make some powerful / meaningful statement about narcissism, consumption and masochism.) W.A.N.K Cynical Much? What is my beef with video artists? Did they kill my parents in a past life?

Yes perhaps I should start with that, adjust the attitude - be positive/nice/bathe/look more towards people than on the ground.

We will see how it goes and I might even give writing something a go. Something real. And when I say real, I mean FICTIONAL. Not a spew brain blog where I detail the office chair from hell.

Spew end.

I'm hungry.

The night I went out of the house for a few hours then freaked due to over social exposure and slept in the back of my girlfriend's car or...

2009-11-02T14:17:00.001+11:00

Halloween Photos

... what.....

2009-10-25T20:04:00.003+11:00

Glasses sucked.

But the rest of the costume is sorted.

The wig is bloody shallow and freaked Ben out - as in there was a LONG pause when I showed him the picture of me in it. Not a good sign I'm sure.

The white Leia robe is really a shirt and skirt because everything else I tried on was too big and looked more like a sheet/toga.

Now to just finalise my 'playgirl' magazines.

Not that anyone will know who the hell I am anyway.

The Kiwi is having trouble with her costume, as in she hasn't got one.

I am trying to get her to go 'conceptual'.

Ie. Cat Woman - dress relatively normally but cover yourself in pictures of CATS. This could also work for Bat Man (and perhaps you'd wear a moustache with this one - along with the bats).

Hopefully we'll be hit with inspiration this coming week....

No Matter What....

2009-10-24T08:42:00.001+11:00

I WILL be wearing these this coming Halloween!

And now I'm off to find my Liz Lemon/Princess Leia costume

Wrong but I like it.

2009-10-11T14:41:00.002+11:00

3.32 am... awake, hungry. always hungry and writing....

2009-10-11T03:32:00.009+11:00

Hmmm as you may have been aware - although perhaps not because I failed to report it at all - I escaped "Working on The Street" (not really like it sounds) just under a month ago.

I was given a cake, a gift voucher, a big box of flowers and an over sized card with me looking like the love child of Liz Lemon and Lawrence Leung - you know the Gen X-er with mad Rubik's cube skills and his own Tv show? Yeah this guy...

The pic they used which was so frickin' big it was fucking life size:

Spot the difference...

oh yes, one is a successful comedian/writer/Tv star... the other is me!

I have no idea why they chose to steal this from my facebook, I don't even know why it's there and no I'm not posing for this photo. I can seriously fake it better than this! I'm rather doing the: "What? a photo now? No Uncle I don't think so, I'm just hanging out the in the kitchen about to ruin your Rubik's cube while stuffing as many cashews into the right side of my cheek for storage until I get home where I can dry them off and hoard them for winter".

So anyway I left work, took one week to do nothing (or rather do nothing and guilt myself about not writing a submission script- and PS. This is only my second submission script, although it seems like my 234,999,987th because I talk about doing one every other day) then the next two weeks were taken up by actually writing my submission script.

I decided to do a full one and all was going well until I realised it was short and when I say short I mean, I'd managed to turn a half hour tv show into promo. So with some more reading and a lot of filler I finally filled out the script to approximately the right amount of pages. This wasn't without the gamut of emotions that comes with writing a script of course. The stages are approximately as follows:

The: I LOVE YOU! "I'm so funny/poignant/innovative/a frickin' genius!" self love you feel for the first five minutes of writing.

Until you read what you wrote and then grab the nearest Samurai sword to melodramatically put yourself out of your worthless/unoriginal/unfunny/cliched existence.

Then you read it AGAIN and keep editing and think hmmm, it's not so bad, hey... I've read worse!

Come back ten minutes later and you're basically back to swigging a cocktail of Draino/Cool aide/Razor Blades/750ml triple caffeinated Mother Cans because you were right the second time, your writing does suck MAJOR arse.

And then you "hand the shit in" - I like to throw it in - actually THROW the paper at the person who has to mark/critique it, as it gives you a carefree, "I don't give a flying fuck. What? Oh, This? Oh no, I didn't write this script for realz! No desperation here, I don't want a job/career/the last two weeks of my life/no make that my ENTIRE life and approximately $17 thousand dollars of debt to the government to pay for my university degree to be justified by your praise! I just like did this in five minutes as I was watching selected highlights of home made Jackass on Youtube while eating five small bags of that supermarket stale tasting pre popped pop corn (last Saturday night)".

So anyway... you hand it in and although you still kind of care (blog post - exhibit A) there is also nothing you can do to save the day.... except perhaps some really great excuses which I am working on. To be honest, I don't know if the script is THAT BAD. I think it has some good points and some bad points. Some bits which I was unsure about but put in anyway at the time. I think for the most part my writing instinct is good but sometimes I second guess myself and change things and fuck them up. Or is my second guessing actually my instinct seeing though it's the last thing I do? Therefore I may try writing one draft OR write two drafts and change everything I wrote in the second draft to the exact opposite.

I seriously have NO IDEA.

Now I just have to wait until hell freezes over and my bosses have a spare millisecond to read my script. I am seriously dreading the embarrassment of having to face them after they read it.

I guess the good thing is I can always try again.

Oh. and PS. what I was about to say before I got slightly side tracked was: I'M BACK AT WORK! for another month (already have been for 2 weeks) to fill in for a co-worker! Yesss.... NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! But at least it means dollars................................................................................

....................................................................................................................................................................

I thought there may have been another advantage but I think, nup, that's it, just the dollars.

Or perhaps ANOTHER CAKE when I try and leave this job for the third time.

Halloween Costume Update.

2009-10-06T10:28:00.004+11:00

A lack of Liz Lemon High School wigs may lead me to the following:

As I found this at spotlight.

Unsure about the whole white robe though. Don't do white! Also have to find like a 1950's Playgirl magazine... But I'm sure that's possible.

Unable to Top Janice but...

2009-09-29T15:55:00.003+10:00

Thinking about my obsession with 30 Rock my Halloween costume could possibly be:
Liz Lemon in High School...

I'd get to wear glasses which are always a fave and look slightly like Kath from Kath and Kim with that wig...

Vote for my dodgy craft!

2009-09-26T10:32:00.001+10:00

After buying 100s of Threadless Tshirts I thought I'd finally put in a design submission - I was probably also spurred on by the fact I have to be writing a script - so you know any distraction is a good distraction. Here is my design up for scoring! Go check it out and vote high - I need the money :)

And while I've got you here... a dream I had. I was Dexter like in a TWIN PEAKS type of environment. Yeah terrified.

I then realised I was actually an ACTOR (PHEW!) in Quentin Tarantino's new version of Twin Peaks the movie.

But then I started to worry I was going to have to attend film premiers around the world and get interviewed by journalists who would ask me questions about World War 2.

Why can't my brain shut down when I sleep?

In an odd way it reminds me of Lynch...

2009-09-20T10:21:00.000+10:00

Pola Excess

2009-09-18T16:12:00.004+10:00

Via my internet travels I have found a device that lets you transform any photo into a Polaroid/Poladroid.

I don't know what it is about Polaroids but they instantly make anything look better/cooler, well sometimes.. well okay they fool you into thinking so.

Here are some examples...

Light Box

2009-09-14T18:02:00.003+10:00

See more HERE...

Left to my own devices...

2009-09-12T16:58:00.004+10:00

Day one of unemployment/forever holidays. It's some inhuman temperature like 24 degrees instead of the usual 14 and I'm going crazy at home already. The Kiwi is napping and I've cracked open my fabric crayons trying to decorate my white denim skirt.

BIG MISTAKE.

I can't even show you the results. Let's just say I'll be burning it before anyone else sees it. I also had a tshirt I wanted to draw on but felt so uninspired I absent mindedly turned to the front cover of the weekend newspaper liftout. Now... it seems I have a hilarious portrait of... who is this guy?.... oh yeah, "Australia's most famous composer Peter Sculthorpe" on my shirt with a majorly wonky right eye. This is what happens when I'm left with a slow internet connection and no more 30 Rock to watch. Kinda wish I'd picked someone cooler to draw...Note: The star on this guy's forehead is a stitched star, yes this Tshirt has been crafted before without success. Perhaps I should just shoot it and put it out of it's misery.

30 Frock

2009-09-12T11:20:00.001+10:00

Wearing half pj's and half of yesterday's clothes - including mismatched Moomin (Finnish cartoon) socks while watching 30 Rock on my 30th, I am inclined to reevaluate my direction in fashion.

In case you were unaware, my foolish current daily ensemble consists of Threadless/Novelty T-shirts, Ugly Footwear (eg. Space/clown/bowling shoes) and insane patterned tights.

Why would I want to change this? you ask.

Well traveling to and from work during the school term has made me all too aware that I look like a dumpy crazy teenager/bad version of an overweight funky Asian/A warped version of Ugly Betty. And I've begun having the nightmare that if I keep dressing like this one day I'm going to be told to 'grow the fuck up' by one of those snarky teenagers who stare at my fluro pink spray painted boots on the train.

But where to go from here?

This is my current option one...(other options to follow)

Totally sucked in...

2009-09-12T09:08:00.003+10:00

I've only watched this clip TWICE, not 100 times as my girlfriend would have you believe. I got way too excited by this clip, roller derby chicks, Drew Barrymore, Ellen Page AND a Peaches song?! Catering to lesbians much? I'm not even a big Drew fan and for some reason Juno shat me to tears (character's attitude too close to home? self loathing perhaps? probably.) but I've got to say Ellen Page is hot. Let's hope this movie doesn't completely suck.

The Pixies are coming! The Pixies are coming!

2009-09-12T08:36:00.004+10:00

I'll be the first to admit, up until a few years ago I had never heard of the Pixies.

Actually that's not true - I'd heard of them (the Kiwi had a poster of them on her wall, the one with the topless woman "Surfer Rosa") but I automatically dismissed them and paid the Kiwi out about her poster because I thought they were just a bunch of hippies. Little did I know I had the PIXIES mixed up with another band (true hippies PUT SOME SHOES ON PLEASE) the WAIFS! Two word band name, both with "The", both with second word having some kind of filthy patchouli wearing connotation. You see my dilemma. That and the fact that my mind is often so 'simple' it surprises me. (Please don't: use words with more than six letters, refer to world wars, historical leaders/events, geography - basically anything you'd find in a question box of trivial pursuit, when addressing me. Or you shall be faced with my blank silence followed by an uncertain nod and some shifty eye work.)

Anyway I'm not sure how this whole debacle was rectified but I'm BLOODY GLAD it was because THE PIXIES ARE FRICKIN AWESOME AND COMING TO MELBOURNE. (Not that I need to convince you.) Festival Hall March 20 here we come - please let's not make it stinkin' summer and 45 degrees!

Fighting Fidel Gastro

2009-09-05T11:28:00.004+10:00

As the first and only person to ever be sick let me tell you how relieved I am to be able to sit upright without the cold sweats and the base of my spine being bashed in with a baseball bat.

This comes after a night of being wide awake because I was in so much pain in my lower back that it felt like I was the pregnant woman from Lars Von Trier's "The Kingdom" when she gave birth to a the scariest man on earth Udo Kier - (FULLY GROWN!)

Unfortunately I can't find a YouTube clip of said scene so these pictures will have to suffice - and it's probably a good thing because that scene will scar you for life, I've only seen it once about 10 years ago and it still haunts me...

As someone with an overactive imagination who doesn't 'do sick' you can imagine the fanciful - slash that - the horror thoughts that swam around my mind during the dark hours of the night as I clutched my stomach. The first major thought was WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!! Which was answered with the term food poisoning from the "whole egg" mayo I ate in desperation out of the staff fridge last Thursday... which had a used by date of July. It tasted fine but I'll admit it did have a random 'bit' in it which I saw, chose to ignore and then ate. The thought of food poisoning didn't really calm me though as I instantly remembered that awful story where that 11 year old girl ate dodgy KFC, got sick/the flu and is now brain damaged and in a wheelchair. Such thoughts gave me some serious heart palpitations and I promptly started planning my funeral and will.

Suffice to say I made it through the night, crawled to the chemist and asked for some medication. And it would be just my luck to get "The Smart Arse Pharmacist". This wanna be doctor couldn't just listen to my symptoms and give me the drugs, no he had to ignore the fact that I was barely able to stand (hence my glazed over eyes focused intently on the counter) and then argue with me about what I had. In one of those "I know I'm smarter than you tones - often used by IT office guys" he continued going on and on and told me that the drugs I wanted wouldn't actually cure me but treat the symptoms. Ah.... NO SHIT! So I finally got the stuff after passing The Smart Arse Pharmacist's list of crappy questions to prove I wasn't about to make Speed out of my Nurofen and giving intimate details of my flatulence.

And now the spine seems to be healing nicely and the drugs have given me a new appreciation for the Barbie animation about the four musketeers. Life is almost good again.

Tempted to use the word Mojo... But I won't...

2009-09-01T09:57:00.004+10:00

After a major creative drought, I've been inspired to get out my old pal, the 8mm film.

I've been taking some photos off my crappy monitor and hopefully will either pay copious amounts of money to convert it to dvd professionally or do it myself with Ben's camera.

I've got a fair bit of old footage from Mum and Nana (50's to 70's) and some stuff I took during my 8mm hey days when I was about 19(?) There is also a lot of CRAP which will be bleached and coloured and spliced and diced to look like tie dye, super psychedelic madness. (See third photo.)

More here!

Childish... Can't wait!

2009-08-30T12:03:00.000+10:00

Space Man, I always wanted you to go into Space Man!

2009-08-25T13:41:00.004+10:00

Another day another costume party.

But what to go as?

So far SPACE has made me think of the following:

Daleks....

Pigs in Space... (really tempted by this one - especially if I could somehow make myself look like the guy on the left)

A packet of SPACE FOOD STICKS... Commerical is quite awesome, perhaps they do have nutritional value and aren't just made from dried cake mix...

That TERRIBLE song Space Man ... which I can't stop singing....

Suggestions welcome...

Oh and some of the lyrics because I just can't believe them.... cliched late 90's anyone?

Spaceman
I always wanted you to go into space man.
Intergalactic christ
Its time to terminate this great white world
Morbid fascination
Television takes control
Decimation
Different races fall
Electronic information tampers with your soul
Theres a fire between us
So where is your god?
Theres a fire between us
I can't get off the carousel - I can't get of this world
The sickening taste of homophobic jokes
Images of fascist folks
Beam me up 'cause I can't breathe

No Dice...

2009-08-15T22:18:00.005+10:00

So you know that "dice" I applied for a little while ago? Hmmm well it seems I have been denied "said dice" but not before I decided I didn't want the dice anyway. My ego would've liked to have been offered the "dice" - to know that my dice application was up to scratch but unfortunately - nope.

So now in just under a month I will be free of current dice *which is making me bring back an encore performance of Les Miserables* and I'll be able to do anything and or nothing.

Til then: by day I am on autopilot and by night I will be a student of Neptune High, hanging with Veronica Mars.

Takes a teen age diet to get me out of bed right now

2009-08-09T16:51:00.003+10:00

Zombie Cat - but not one of THE Zombie Cats which leads me to believe this town is running riot with the creatures.

The "quaint" (if by quaint you mean a creepy old old bottle shop/pub with caged windows that has been turned into a video store but looks like it has 'the same basement from Pulp Fiction - yeah that one, with the gimp') VIDEO FLASH store. Actually this first picture doesn't capture it's full atmosphere.

How about this photo of store promotion / decoration that features Dick Cheney as the witch from the (horror?) film Snow White?

*ps. I don't really know what Dick Cheney looks like but I reckon this might be close.

It's a Sunday and I've got work to do so that must mean it's time to give into food cravings and eat in the teens. When I say teens I don't really mean a Teenage Diet but eating things by the teens. For example last week it was home made pork/mint/corriander/ginger/garlic/sweet chilli sauce dumplings with sweet chilli/lime/soy sauce dipping sauce. We ate 30 between the two of us for dinner/afternoon tea. Today it was cupcakes, the number slightly less... only 13 each. Yes all the hard work has paid off, my sugar tolerence is high and mighty!

The Blogicide, the house, the built-ins, the breakfast, the Fall of MJ.

2009-08-03T09:14:00.000+10:00

I have written many half posts trying to commit blogicide / express my 'meh-ness' towards publishing 'nothing' online. I suspect its because I've been so busy working/moving etc and also starring in my one woman live show entitled Les Miserables. It could pass but then again, it could be it. Time will soon tell.

So yes we're finally home and housed and fridged and washing-machined! It only took a couple of weeks and really it wasn't that hard. When the weather outside is about 5 degrees you just chuck food outside at night and hope the ZOMBIE CATS from down the road don't venture into the yard to eat it.

Seriously these Zombie Cats are SCARY. To be honest I've never seen them off their front porch - they're 'white' and look like they've been chewed up by a dog, put through a washing machine and used in an animal testing lab. I literally have to scamper past the house before they leap on me knocking me to the footpath and gnaw at my ear until my brain is exposed and then they do that side mouth chewing where they squint their eyes up and do that head movement where they chew and their tongue sticks out with every chew. You following me? (I'll try and get a picture tomorrow but you do realise I'm risking my life here)

But yes - here is the house - well the back yard... Hopefully you can't see my jocks on the line but you can see the Tee Pee (which houses the FERAL CHILDREN next door who I think are starring in their own version of that reality TV show where they let children run their own "civilisation") and Sarah eating mud cake out of a melted bucket of ice cream - our first meal in the house (sans fridge).

This is my built-in robe - part of it. Which to me is the most exciting thing about the entire house. Putting my crap behind bars, I mean doors is a fucking miracle. You may notice it looks like a bit of a toyshop/opshop. Had a bit of a midlife crisis moment when packing - when I had to unpack/open all my boxes to label them (because I was sure I didn't need to do it until Ben asked me for a DVD.) Picture this, you're nearly 30, you look down and realise you've just labelled a box of your belongings with the following: DRESS UP GLASSES, WIGS, LION, ETCHA SKETCH, SUPER 8 CAMERA, JUNK. Hmmm please pass me the bucket of honey macadamia ice cream, no, no spoon, I'll just use my hands. Ta.

So GROUNDHOG DAY, I mean work has been like work. It's all coming to a close, to an end, Sept is quickly approaching and I've still got no real idea what I'll be doing. Part of me hopes I'll be doing that free lance thing on 'the street'. Another part of me is hoping to do the researcher job for a new kid's TV channel. Another big part of me is hoping to be unemployed for a month, enough time to relax and get happy again so I don't angry eat things like this for breakfast:

And then there was the whole loss of MJ which I never commented about. Wasn't sure how to talk about this, it's all been said. What hasn't been discussed is that I in some way equated MJ with my dad. No I'm not crazy and I'm not his love child but there was something about him... ah it's too hard to explain, perhaps it was him being the misunderstood man/their love of tight white cotton singlets/tshirts/pony tails/that they were born in the same year. I'm not making sense but Ben you know what I'm talking about.

TV TV TV TV STD

2009-07-21T14:25:00.005+10:00

I am going to blame the recent move for my exhaustion and inability to tear myself away from BAD BAD BAD (NOT SO BAD IT'S GOOD) TV at the moment.

Last week it was The Princess Diaries and Kindergarten Cop, this week it was Rush, Law and Order, the 7pm Project (lame radio broadcast on TV, a show that doesn't know if it's trying to be serious or funny), Recruits (that Police cadet show which isn't afraid to let us know some new officers are terrified of their shooting range test, and some don't want to frickin' admit they CAN'T SEE the FUCKING TARGET and have to wear their glasses) and then yesterday there was this - which I have aptly re-named: "STD ISLAND".

I agonised for an entire half an hour (and a giant can of soup - containing enough sodium to mummify me - you see I had to keep eating in order to have an excuse to be in the work kitchen) about this show, trying so hard to work out what the aim was. Why are people staying at the "Paradise Hotel"? Are they all partners who are trying to test each other's fidelity? Are they there for some physical endurance test? Are they going to win big?

We even looked up the TV info to see if they could shed any light on the matter:

Paradise Hotel follows a group of single men and women who are given the opportunity of a lifetime - to live together in the most exclusive resort ever created. But paradise doesn't last forever... each week one hotel guest will be eliminated to make room for a new guest.

Yes of course THERE IS NO POINT - other than to see how many sexually transmitted diseases you can accumulate in a week and of course the mental endurance test of spending time with the jocks/ air heads/ real life "Nip Tuck" patients.

I can't (don't want to) believe someone in the world got paid to think of this concept, got paid to cast, film, edit and broadcast this shite. It is beyond comprehension...

And there I will leave you because I need to race back to the kitchen for some more soup*!

*to see if I can catch today's episode where the self titled "Black Magic" - token hot black guy with the boardshorts made into speedos gets with the slutty new intruder because apparently he really has a 'thing' for dating Asians OR if the 70's porno moustache guy can lure her with his arrogant as hell attitude and blindingly white thighs.

2009-07-10T12:17:00.002+10:00

got the house

now onto the whitegoods

and the cleaning

oh the cleaning

4.7 years worth of dust (DUST!) under my bed and enough shit to start my own op shop.

My room is currently 10 degrees - I think it's at least 11 outside - and the more I clean, the COLDER it gets.

by the time it's empty I'll be making ice cream in there.

Realty Bites

2009-07-04T16:54:00.009+10:00

I haven't written for a couple of weeks because quite frankly it's been buttocks clenching stressful times and you don't really want to hear about that. But now .... perhaps you are...

Good news: Mum came down and it all went off without a hitch. As in she didn't stay at my house in sub zero temperatures and everyone behaved themselves and had a good time. Ben's scars however are healing nicely - she slept in his bed. On the weekend we ate and we ate and we ate and then we had some yum cha.

Phoebe - my car has finally gone to a better place. A place where she will be driven and appreciated. I sold her last week and haven't heard from the buyer so I am assuming it's all going well - either that or she drove around the corner and the car exploded into another dimension. I got a fair price for her and it's one less thing I have to deal with.

The issue of a new house is still another matter.

Wow it's not even a bad time of year and it's still a shitfight out there. I seriously can't believe what some people will pay to live in. What some estate agents will gladly put their name to. What some real estate agents will say in order for you to go check them out.

This one was described as a perfect pristine family home. Yeah sure... if you're the family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - yeah I know - I keep coming back to that family and their house.

But wait! There's more - this house comes with a FREE, that's right I said FREE - SHOE and half eaten pack of Ratsak! What toddler could ask for more?

So we didn't apply for that one - we did apply for one with walls that looked like the inside of an EGG YOLK (got it - but then rejected it) and also a couple of houses a few suburbs away which although they're nice and in a great area the roads they're on have semi trailers screaming down them for 10 hours a day. I think I can deal with this - if the houses are far back enough from the street. I hope I can because right now that's all we've got.

That handbag update.

2009-06-23T20:27:00.004+10:00

Creation of the bad handbag continues.
Here is where I'm up to.

Guess who's coming to town?

2009-06-22T13:47:00.001+10:00

Yep.

Mum.

Watch.

Out.

Some one else's "funny"

2009-06-21T11:31:00.002+10:00

Great characters from The Scary Washing Machine site.

http://scarywashingmachine.com/thecharacters.html

Realty CHECK!

2009-06-20T16:11:00.009+10:00

So... first real day of HOUSE HUNTING.

I must have been clinically insane to think I could move out with the Kiwi and find a NICE two bedroom apartment/house/townhouse/cardboard box to share with her for about 150 bucks a week.

TELL HER SHE'S DREAMING.

I have been dreaming (last night it was eight hours of me selling my car - so I feel like I've been selling my car for 10 hours straight rather than the reality of 15 minutes.)

Car update: Pushy guy and Bogas never turned up! Phew kinda. Think I'll call Early Bird Man this afternoon and ask if he's interested for his crazy (good) price because seriously I can't handle this business, not when I'm trying to find a rental on the weekend and stressing about interacting with people so much I'm spending the whole night grinding my teeth away.

But yes I need my weekends free to look at these gorgeous type properties. Note the Darth Vader SKID MARK in the bath.....

If you head isn't horizontal check out this close up.

Nice!

Seriously why does every apartment / unit rental in the whole of inner city Melbourne look and smell like the previous tenant has just died and been BURIED UNDER THE FUCKING FLOOR BOARDS?

Here is another exterior

- which to be fair looks pretty good and fails to convey the crazy old man neighbour in the Jenny Kee jumper we saw across the hall and again the NIGHTMARE of the actual unit interior.

This isn't a house for rent but one we saw while on the way to an inspection. Why is it that I am immediately drawn to explore houses that look like they're from the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre?So the rental sitch looks pretty grim but at least I saw one awesome thing today. LASS/LAD IN FISH COSTUME! And at the risk of sounding like a hippie - I wanted to share this YOU KNOW WHAT (Sorry - can't say the R word) I found on the steps at work. The colour is so concentrated it looks like spray paint and thinking it was - I touched it to see if it was wet, only for it to transfer onto my hand. It is real. Who knew the cruddy glass of our environmental sickness office building could produce something so cool.

Will Posting Soon Die in the Arse?

2009-06-20T08:08:00.002+10:00

Busy times people. I'm trying to sell a car, find a rental and move and... submit a script. The first two are actually what I'm doing, the third and fourth, I can't even think about at the moment.

Just had my first 'car sales' meeting. It went okay, except for the part when the guy acted really upset that it didn't have remote central locking and power windows (NEVER SAID IT DID!) and dude it was made in 1998 - I could barely manage to send an email back then so... what do you expect?

The price is too high I know. And I'd like to drop it - but what is a significant amount to drop it by without seeming crazy? Why do price guides differ so dramatically and why did the one I find seem to be the CRAZY (not in a good way) Prices List?

Ah - I want it out of my hair, I've been back from Daylesford for a year and I should have sold it A YEAR AGO! Why did I want to sell it myself? Seriously I hate talking to people let along negotiating on a car that I know pretty much nothing about.

How is the tread on the tyres?
Tread?
Tyres?

Ahhh good, ..... I dunno? - Is probably not the best response, but it's all I could come up with last night when "Bogas" called me. I'm making huge assumptions here but this girl sounded like she'd deck you in a nightclub for walking past her boyfriend all while clutching her can of Woodstock tightly in her hand. Actually that's all wrong, I'd never even venture where this girl hangs out.

Yeah, I'm a snob, a scared snob.

Also got some pushy guy coming around this morning to look at it, but I don't know when he'll be here because even though I told him a time to visit, he just talked over me - told me HIS time when he was going to visit, then hung up. Great. Can't wait to meet him.

Meh. I just want to go back to bed!

Keeping up those crimes against fashion.

2009-06-13T13:57:00.003+10:00

Ha the tabs on this post ARE ironic! But yes here is the start / mid way of my 80's graffiti handbag. It's not so much graffiti as doodle drawings. I probably should have planned what I was going to draw but that would have taken too much effort. Oh and perhaps I should have checked the pens were waterproof/smudge proof. I have a bad feeling they're not. :S

len lye coming to ACMI!

2009-06-09T09:39:00.000+10:00

Thursday 16 July 2009 - Sunday 11 October 2009
Open daily 10am - 6pm
Late Night Thursdays until 9pm
Free admission

AWESOME!

Why I can't have a normal job.

2009-06-07T15:44:00.004+10:00

Those new comic strip/cartoon New York tights arrived in the mail

yesterday!

And my Ken Done skirt made it's debut down Sydney Road today - So it's too late if you want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T DO IT!

In prep for some more uber tack, I bought this white shoulder bag and denim skirt to try out some bad 80's graffiti.... Hopefully this week I'll attack them with my magic markers.

Video Clip and Cheese Friday.

2009-06-05T08:56:00.002+10:00

Two essentials for office survival.

Other cool distractions if you haven't seen them already.....

Literal version film clip

and

Uber glam/gay 80's film clip just for good measure. Remind you of Janice with the Eye Patch perchance?

Small Business Award.

2009-06-04T20:48:00.002+10:00

Walking to work from the train I have the pleasure of passing this little shop where you can get a haircut or buy a plant or piece of junk from Thursday to Saturdays.

Now you all know I love junk more than anyone - but I do draw the line at buying any of the following items.

Second hand Stegosaurus for 16.50?

A plaque / clock made from old oyster shells, 5.50?

Or an old sailing boat complete with moldy Sesame St toys from McDonald's...Priceless.

I'd write something witty and fantastic if I had the brain power but quite frankly I'm fried from work.

Script feedback was good and I'll do another soon if I can just get my brain to work after an 11 hour day in front of the computer. And then there's the fact that I might not live that long because a MOUSE will have EATEN MY FACE OFF during my sleep.

Oh yeah.... THEY'RE BACK! We've only seen one so far but where there is one - there probably is like a fifty fifty chance that there is MORE. So we've got out the traps and peanut butter and I hope to find carnage on the kitchen floor in the morning (note: Not my own).

Here's a clip from some JP lasses I found on holiday. Take a trip back to the 90's with Sugar K...

Did I ever tell you how I went to Japan?

2009-05-31T20:11:00.002+10:00

I should have stolen this puppy.

Final lots of photos are here and here if you can stomach them.

Party Party Par....t...

2009-05-27T20:34:00.004+10:00

I've been meaning to talk to you about our upcoming party on Saturday night. Kitchen Wear is the theme and while it sounds easy, it's not.

I've been thinking for weeks but was unable to come up with any great ideas other than a SPORK.

Finally after much deliberation I've decided to go as an "80's Buffet".

Now I'll just show you my jacket - 80's cook books cut up and HAND SEWN onto the jacket with a needle and thread and blood and sweat and tears.

More Japan Photos.

2009-05-23T18:28:00.001+10:00

Go here if you want to.

JP TV

2009-05-22T10:06:00.004+10:00

Now that I'm almost finished my script submission I thought I'd do a post on Japanese TV and try and explain how addictive it was - unfortunately I got stuck on YouTube trying to find clips / examples and have therefore wasted a good hour of my day. Oh the irony.

As you can imagine Japanese TV is addictive for my simple brain. Even though I couldn't understand a word they were saying on many nights I stayed up past midnight just watching game shows, melodramatic soap operas, variety shows and an hour long info-mercial detailing a new strapless suction cap style booster bra.

A true highlight featured something which I think I am incorrectly remembering being called: Fight Tank (If it wasn't called that - it should have been) because they placed various sea animals into a large tank - two at a time and watched them battle it out.

The best battle I saw was when they placed a large octopus in with an eel.... after a bit of twirling and swishing around, I literally saw THE OCTOPUS EAT THE EEL. Disturbing and highly entertaining.

Another match saw two crabs who looked like they were holding tiny pom poms have a brief but intense fight over said pom poms - think they may have actually been part of the crabs now that I think of it...

No matter how hard I searched these clips were not on the net! So instead here is a Japanese clip involving a tank, some fish and unfortunately no fighting - but some pretty cool singing. Enjoy...

More Music

2009-05-20T20:18:00.002+10:00

Should REALLY be writing that script...

Should be writing that last scene...

2009-05-20T15:20:00.001+10:00

Real Japan Photos

2009-05-19T01:45:00.003+10:00

Finally at 1am - nearly 2am - I have gotten around to uploading some photos from my holiday.

Warning.

There are many.

Don't complain if you're bored.

Do what I do when I'm trying to pretend to read.... SKIM!

More later... but here is the first batch...

too disgusting for words.

2009-05-18T15:50:00.006+10:00

I always knew Zoo was a shit rag but then I noticed this on the front cover.

And don't worry - they don't just cover brutal murders they cover model suicide as well...

I can't even begin to discuss what is wrong with this 'article'.

I remember reading/ hearing somewhere that Zoo or mags like it were actually 'written' by women - or a lot of women worked on them. I seriously can't imagine any woman letting this go to print. Showing porno style pictures of women next to details on how they were raped and murdered is just so fucked up I can't believe it.

op shop find.

2009-05-14T18:14:00.004+10:00

Planning on getting some white (converse, a skirt or a bag) to graffiti kid style with textas. Until I do, I will make do with this skirt I found at Savers today. Four clams - who could ask for more? It's so awesome I am considering leaving it long - floor length - but I'm unsure how practical it will be for work - I'll probably trip up while trying to carry trays of coffee.

2009-05-13T20:02:00.006+10:00

Is it just me or does the Boss Coffee guy look just like Ian Turps Turpie?

The final view of Shibuya Crossing from my Starbucks window. Yeah I had Starbucks. Deal with it.

Harajuku shop front.
Found this awesome Savers/Episode type store just before I left - this is Carol's style rack. Too many 80's shorts!

Japan Street Art.

Front door to hard to find hipster shop.

Ghibli Museum

Street view of the backstreet next to my final hotel.

More JP Photos

2009-05-13T19:33:00.005+10:00

Backstreets near hostel.

Hmmm - obviously didn't make it here....

Not the best example but everyone including the guy who stands at the front of the car park directing traffic for eight hours wears a smart uniform. Helmets and white gloves on police and ambulance officers (while driving) make everything seem more official.

Train station florist.

Pet store.

J Photos.....

2009-05-11T11:00:00.006+10:00

Last post before I leave for home. SAD.

Going to try and shop and buy some cool stuff - but I haven:t been too inspired in the department stores so I:m going to find cool lil shops. Hopefully. Also saw a doco on TV last night called MAXED OUT. About USA credit card companies and the country:s debt and people who have committed suicide because of credit card debt. Yeah. Fun. So that makes me want to spend money.... ANYWAY.... pics....

Dodgy highway underpass where I hung out last night taking photos.

Harajuku Doll exhibit....

Sometimes you have to resort to *Candy Cheese*....

More dolls...

Kiddyland was heaven and hell at the same time. They had a SNOOPY floor - yeah man- he even does curry....

Lights of GINZA

Best supermarket meal ever....

More RSPCA fodder...

Here I sit...

2009-05-09T10:55:00.004+10:00

in a dark cubicle...

on the eighth floor of a seedy internet cafe

room 826

if I don:t make it out alive.

I just paid my money to a girl wearing fake glasses with a spinny moustache, she gave me a special coin to celebrate their birthday or something. I had to venture over to the screaming man dressed in a swan tutu ala Bjork at the Oscars so I could put it in the machine and win a prize. i think its a crab stick...

In other news I:ve been hanging in Harajuku and Shibuya which is pretty amazing.

Sensory overload, so much noise and craning of the neck to try and read the non existent street signs and building names to try and navigate.

I am in my final hotel. Which is kind of sad, because I:ll be home soon.

Unsure how I:ll survive in the real world. I am really enjoying just wandering the streets taking photos and looking like a dumbass, I don:t want to go back to taking coffee orders at work.

Surprisingly I haven:t taken that many photos... probably around 700 - which for nearly a month is so restrained. Let:s hope its quality not quantity. The rain has stopped for today which means hopefully by nightfall I:ll be able to go back to the bright lights of Ginza and take some shots which aren:t on my camera phone - although it has come in really handy the last few days.

But first I am off to the Ghibli Museum which is the dude who made My friend Toroto and Spirited Away. It should be frickin awesome. They say no photos but who knows if this will ring true. I went to a Harajuku Doll exhibit the other day which was staffed by at least six guys - there were signs saying no photography but as if those nice security guys were ever going to control some happy snappy teens. So I joined in - a couple of times a guy came up to me and said something so I just smiled and vaguely nodded and put my camera phone away - but then when I saw a girl actually take out her digital SLR I thought fuck it - I:m taking some more shots. I forgot to bring the connection so I am unable to post them now. May have to wait til I get back which will be Wednesday sometime.

Wow... I:m back...

2009-05-06T20:45:00.005+10:00

Not back, back, just back to me - aka; Angry Alice. AA emerged due to the stupid day I had all courtesy of my inability to follow/ write down directions - actually no - it was purely due to my ability to ignore my own instincts which were correct to begin with - but because I am a sadist I always decide to listen to the evil Nav Man voice in my head and try going in a different direction to what the talking map has just told me. As a result I spent today wandering around the back streets in the pouring rain looking for the photography gallery when I could have been walking / standing on a covered, warm moving platform that would have taken me there quickly with no fuss and no wet converse.

(Flea market find...)

So the gallery was pretty good - I had just been to one previously in Ginza - and also spent about an hour looking for another gallery but couldn:t find it. Imagine standing at the bottom of a giant IMAX screen and trying to navigate - thats what Ginza - much of Tokyo is like. My eyes must constantly look like they:re popping out of my skull as I try and take in the influx of images and noises - also they have such tall buildings and most things aren:t located on the ground floor so I:m constantly trying to read signs about 100 meters up.

By the time I finished at the second gallery it was too late to venture to the fabric district so that will have to wait til tomorrow. Soon enough I also realised I had bought the wrong train ticket and couldn:t use it on all services. This resulted in an embarrassing event where I was about to pass out from starvation - so I bought a rice triangle from the 7-11 - only thing was I couldn:t eat it anywhere because you:re not supposed to eat on the streets here - don:t do that or blow your nose - so I tried to run to a corner of the train station and begin eating - but it was harder than it looked, the rice wasn:t just wrapped in seaweed there was also plastic in there too - one bite and it was all too hard so I tried to board a train - my ticket won:t go through the barrier - I try it again - thinking I bought the all trains - all day pass - third time it lets me through but says it:s not valid. I consider catching the train anyway and move off but then the evil nav man gets me - or was that my conscience? And so clutching two bags, a wet umbrella and a half eaten rice triangle which is quickly falling part in my hands, I go to get back out of the station. I pick a gate which is already open. I am almost at the other side when BANG! The little gates on the gate close and jam me in. I HAVE BEEN SPRUNG. I was so embarrassed and so close to losing it - it wasn:t funny. I recomposed my stupid foreigner face and spoke too quickly in English to the ticket man explaining that my ticket won:t work. He lets me get back to the other side and I run off a few hundred meters to another train line so I can use my overpriced ticket.

(The offending rice triangle.)

At this point I made an executive decision to do some urgent retail therapy and went out and bought some green Pumas that I had spotted a guy wearing on the train earlier.

(Please note awesome new green bag also.)

So the day wasn:t a complete waste. Getting home was another evil Nav Man decision. I had the choice of walking home with an umbrella through the pouring rain for about 25 minutes or catching a train and walking for about 10... only thing was - I had to find a connecting station and ended up travelling on two trains which took about half an hour (at least) just so I could get to the closer train station...

Hmmm so yes. Today was the first day I have cracked it since I have been here (Nuts isn:t it - I didn:t even crack it on my tour - the entire two weeks - some kind of record). Granted all of today:s cracks were my own doing - that was until I wanted to come and use the internet. The computer I am currently on thinks its 2002 - the computer next to it thinks its 2009 but its so much slower. Frenchie woman was using this computer and I sat down next to her and use 2009 but realised it was so slow I was going to get so frustrated and blow a fricking gasket. So I wait...

Frenchie sits here typing.. (if you can call it that)... Literally this woman is typing with two fingers.... one word per minute....... tap..........................................................................tap...............................................tap................................
tap.............................................tap........................................................tap....................................................
You know how frustrating it is watching someone else use a computer - how fucking infuriating it is? Well yeah - I decided to leave and have a bath/shower just so I didn:t lose my cool waiting for her to finish. So I leave her..... tap.............................................tap............................................. tap............................. tap.

AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR LATER.

I return to the computer desk.

Guess who is here?

Frenchie... ..............................tap............................................................ tap..................................... tap.

Jesus christ - but I tried to be patient - I went up stairs and grabbed my book, began reading it at the table opposite her...... she continues...... tap................................................................tap................ tap..............................................................

I begin to wonder if I REALLY want to use the computer..... I decide I have come this far there is no going back......

HALF AN HOUR LATER.....

tap...................... tap......................................... tap.

I am seriously seeing red - what the fuck is this woman doing? Is she writing an email to everyone she has ever fucking known?

T..........ap................................. tap.

I consider knocking the woman off the chair - getting her to recite her email in French to me so I can type - it seriously would have been faster.

Oh suddenly she:s turning off the computer shutting it down! THERE IS A GOD.... She must be finished!

NUP

Spoke too soon....

She:s only restarting it..... and she:s off again.....

tap............................. tap....................

I can handle it no longer - I go back to my room before I do the woman damage. My heart is racing and I feel like I:m going to explode. Welcome back Angry Alice...

I sat in my room dried my shoes with my hair dryer and then snuck down the stairs to see if she was still at the computer... luckily she was no where to be seen. Otherwise there would have been blood.

And I apologize for my writing - I realise the tense is all wrong today....

Computer is working so why not....

2009-05-05T21:18:00.005+10:00

Pet store - a native squirrel anyone?

Yep - a cat Kimono...
Near where I am staying....

Packaging for a face mask. I:ve been trying to find one for days but then realised I couldn:t read the instructions - ie. do I wet my face before or after? If I wet it before accidentally instead of after is it going to rip off the top layer of my skin? Hmmm might wait til I get home for a face mask....

Shopping Chaos. Its Golden Week so a nightmare in the streets - especially when its raining because my eye balls were skewered about a dozen times.

finally some photos.

2009-05-05T20:53:00.006+10:00

Ironically I took my real camera out today but didn:t touch it - so instead are some from my camera phone - besides I don:t think this computer - which thinks its the year 2002 , the second of August by the way - could cope with such large files. Today was shopping - my first real big day in the big smoke. I ended up buying some things but I was slow to get started. I must have bought about seven pairs of tights/socks before I bought anything for real. Then of course it stated raining and thinking it would be like Melbourne rain - it would stop in a few minutes. Hours later with no umbrella I:m at Starbucks and decide I:d rather go nuts on the calories and get a burger- (loving Hard Rock Cafe - I am sorry to say). On the way home it was still raining so I had no option other than to fork out 105 yen for another umbrella even though I have one in my room. Just over a buck for an umbrella? This is such a disposable society. I can hear the trees screaming every time I snap open a pair of disposable chopsticks and the whales are crying their sad song with every plastic bag I get. Yeah me - plastic bags - can you believe it? I swear I:ll eat them before I go home just so they don:t go to waste. But on with the picture show.....

The walk home with soggy shoes and stockings.... (not that you can see that)

Ueno Park lit up...

Some type of chin-lift device I found while shopping.... Yes I have turned into one of THOSE tourists reporting on oddities....

Fake nails for your pets!

Or perhaps a pet toupee? So they can do Cosplay with you?

Some of my Japanese style breakfast which was consumed in the mountains recently. See I totally earned that burger today!

I love the way this almost looks like minimalist art... those lone three beans with the fish next to it!
Cat abuse.... but I love it.

Here...just

2009-05-04T16:59:00.003+10:00

Well my notes for epic posting have gone out the window - or rather they:re still in my backpack. I am finally back in Tokyo after a few days treking around Mt Mitake which was pretty awesome. It:s golden week though so the mountain tracks have been pretty crowded the last few days. But waking up to mountain views and birds singing was great - even being woken up by a loud loud drum beating from the shrine above me. It sounded like it was in the next room.

So now I am back in civilisation the shopping begins - hopefully I can bring myself to buy something rather than gush how cute things are then walk away because I don:t need them. My tight buttocks of a purse is a curse sometimes. Also now that I:m back in the city I:m going to find some soy milk. This may sound silly - but I seriously doubt that Japan actually drinks soy milk eventhough according to me - its the bloody birthplace of soy milk. Also I would kill someone for any of the following; sour dough bread or some kind of seven grain affair because all they have here is sugar bread, a salad sandwhich, cheese - cheddar would do, um a hot dog... although I think I could find that somewhere quite easily.

Oh yeah and while we:re talking about food I may as well let you know - yeah man, still fat. I must be the only person on the planet to put on weight while travelling in Japan. Granted I have been staying at an Inn where they fed me breakfast and dinner until I was nearly busting at the seams - but it was all so healthy! Literally a fish on a stick for dinner and breakfast, mountain vegetables which are rather like roadside weeds, some other pickled roots, rice, miso soup, 3 soy beans - all in all you end up using about 10 small bowls for one meal - the dishwashing in that place must be a nightmare. Unless they are pickling those little miscellaneous vegies in pig fat - what the frickin hell am I doing wrong?

Best thing I:ve eaten was probably some type of raw fish or the tempura - worst thing.... hmmm this mountain vegetable - If I could find the inverted commas I:d use them.... but yes this vegetable - when it:s grated up ends up having the consistency of snot and no flavour. I ate it out of duty and because I like to think of myself as a hardcore foodie. That along with another thing which seemed like a jellyfish sliced up speckled with freshly cut grass. I wasn:t sure whether I was to stick that in my cooking hot pot or not but I ate it raw and am still alive so yeah... god only knows what it was - I can only assume it was extremely healthy because it was extremely hard to swallow.

Still havnet gotten around to posting pictures - I am sorry but stay tuned I may do it soon because I am sure you:ll be excited to see my series entitled; Japan - A series of Inconvenient Manholes. Ohh that sound dodgy doesnt it - when I say manholes I mean those round metal things that lead to the sewers - they seriously have them in the most remote places its ridiculous - that and toilets.

peace out.

Another day another onsen

2009-04-23T21:44:00.002+10:00

so we;re out of the valley - we could be currently on an island but i:m not sure. I have found that when I am travelling as part of a group I am extra lazy and just follow the herd. I don:t try and speak Japanese and don:t bother to know where I am ^ all I know is that we:re going on a 4 hour ferry ride tomorrow and we:ve been told to expect to get sea sick. this resulted in us venturing to the chemist where the woman spoke no English and we spoke hardly any Japanese. So we tried to get out the phrase book, say the word boat and proceeded to all mime throwing up. she finally got the idea but didn:t have any ginger tablets so we:re just going to risk it and go hard or go home.

Right now I should be in a 3000 year old mineral spa nodding to 80 year old Japanese women in the nuddie. But after a lot of travel and a cramped lunch I needed some fresh air and decided not to breath in sulfur water at 45 degrees. I:ve headed back to our hotel - the first Western place we:ve stayed at - its a business hotel and the influx of business men and the whole brochure on the ]rainbow] channel - which isn:t gay but rather +all ladies, all the time* so to speak makes me feel a little bit seedy. Having said that none of the businessmen have looked seedy and I:m still amazed at how polite everyone in this country is. I think it:s the bowing and the fact that all everyone ever says is+ Excuse me and thank you very much. Perhaps it:s all just lip service and there are some people who are totally resenting the excessive bowing but boy do they put on a good show.

We:ve been eating like Kings for the past few days - kind of the equivalent to a Sunday roast every night - but Japanese style, dozens of little bowls with delicious bits and pieces that I:ve never tried before. A lot of people have been freaking out about the hardcore traditional Japanese food but I*m loving it because otherwise it feels kind of lame to be eating modern Japanese food which is what I eat in Melbourne all the time. There are people on this trip who have never eaten Noodle \soup before or didn:t know what gyoza was - dumplings - excuse my spelling - but yeah- seriously have these people been eating under a rock for all their life?

Oh and PS. the older woman who looks like a total dyke isn:t a total dyke and is a minister of all things... but more on her later.... peace out.

JP Days

2009-04-20T22:43:00.002+10:00

So I am ALIVE!

It's only day 2 - or 3 here and it feels like I've been here for weeks. This is a good thing as I pretty much love it - just hope I don't get home sick by the time a month comes around.

First day of the tour started officially today - a 4.30 am start for the fish markets - seeing frozen tuna the size of tree trunks being cut with axes, everything under the sea you can imagine was on sale. Pictures another time hey?

The travel group is surprisingly good (hope I didn't just jinx myself) and we're getting along well. There are some characters as there always are - but they are entertaining and helpful - looking for me when I wander off and get lost like a 4 year old...

We've been hanging in Tokyo these past few days and tomorrow we're doing the seven hour train ride to the Irya Valley (don't quote me - you know how bad I am with names) and that's where the naked bathing comes in. Yes - can't wait, I'll be wrapping my guts in glad wrap tonight and performing some DIY liposuction in my sleep before that one. Especially since I just downed a burger and chips. I know - what the fuck - its meant to be THE DIET holiday of a life time - but a few hours ago I was very happily sitting in the Hard Rock Cafe and wolfing down a 1,500 Yen burger (not THAT expensive - but putting 000 on anything makes it seem extreme!). I thought I'd so be down with the whole - rice for every meal thing but it's not as easy as it sounds. Sashimi for breakfast was pretty awesome - fresh from those fish markets but yeah the lack of bread and cereal is going to do my head in.

Highlights of the past few days are the pets around town. Having the mind of an infant - I can't help but laugh at dogs - especially ones with stubby legs, floppy ears, sausage dogs - ok pretty much all dogs - but these ones have the added bonus of costumes! YES!!! I also saw a cat wearing a dress in the park - he was being PUSHED IN HIS OWN FRICKIN' PRAM!

RSPCA eat your bloody heart out - these animals are awesome they even have their own magazines! Which I am dying to buy - imagine how much fun my juvenile mind will have flicking through pictures of dogs like this one in crazy situations...

Too cute! I want to be sick.

An Awesome Artist....

2009-04-14T06:27:00.002+10:00

See her here...

http://www.momoyotorimitsu.com/

Dirty Digital

2009-04-14T06:20:00.004+10:00

Not really dirty - just blurry because I was holding different colour cellophane over the lens of my new camera which is hard to do on a windy day - must have looked like a total tool.

See the Beast...

2009-04-14T05:14:00.004+10:00

Hmmm so by now most of you would've heard me have a cry about this.....

Oh wait - that's not my backpack - that's a giant squid! Whoops!

Here is my backpack - sorry - It's actually the Kiwi's backpack which she has kindly offered to lend me! Unfortunately my fat arms can't pick it up WHEN IT'S EMPTY and my simple brain has a SHITSTORM when I try and contemplate what it's 55 tentacles (clippy strappy things) are meant for. (THEY HAVE NO FUCKING FUNCTION I AM SURE OF IT!)

So I am off to buy another backpack because otherwise I am sure to slay that beast of a thing in a fit of blind rage while on the Tokyo Subway system and get deported. See example of GIANT slain backpack washed up on beach here...

Too Slow - Too Stupid

2009-04-11T23:45:00.003+10:00

I'm not referring to myself for once - I just wanted to discuss the new blockbuster that I am busting my block to see, "Fast and Furious".

Although why does this sound so familiar?

I dunno - perhaps it's the other THREE MOVIES WITH practically THE SAME FUCKING TITLE THAT HAVE BEEN RELEASED IN THE PAST EIGHT YEARS?!

Pay close attention this will take some concentration:

2001 - the FAST and the FURIOUS.

2003 - 2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS (Ohh this one is CLEVA! It uses the 2, to mean TOO but also to mean 2 - the number which is great because it's a sequel - it's the second movie in the franchise! Goood shit.)

But wait for it - in 2006 they served up: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Mmm awesome an Oriental version of the original - I get it - they went back to the old school name just so we knew it was the same high quality high concept as the first and perhaps 3 Fast, 3 Furious was too many "th" and "f" sounds. Tricky on the palate.

And now in 2009 - THANK FUCK - they've served up another smokin' rubber donut meal entitled: Fast and Furious!

Jesus man you're not even trying now are you? Just taking out the "THE" doesn't give you a new film title! You clearly have to add in some numbers or like a city name - but taking away words - no man - too hard - too confusing! What will this movie be about? I don't know! Before it was obviously about some people who were Fast and some people who were Furious but now it sounds like it's about ONE guy who is Fast as well as Furious. But is he furious because he is speeding or is he speeding because he is furious?

At this rate in 2012 they'll be releasing "Fast Furious" which will no doubt be about someone with the ability to crack the shits at lightning speed. Hmmm my bio-pic perhaps....

that count-down

2009-04-10T10:27:00.004+10:00

Yes I struggled for about 4 seconds trying to come up with a witty pun to have as the title of this post but as you can see I failed miserably.

So anyway its about four days until I go to JAPAN.

I say 'about' because I haven't actually bothered to check when I'm going - I know it's late at night - past midnight - so it's either Wednesday Night which will be so late it's Thursday

or it's late Thursday night - so late it will be Friday. I'll figure it out some time next week I guess and then start to panic.

Who am I kidding the panic is ALREADY HERE people! I've been so busy with work I feel totally unorganized about traveling, most of it is being mentally unprepared. Little things I didn't know - how after I bothered to get a new mobile phone number and join up with 3 for a new plan I can't actually use my mobile phone over there. (Message to self: Read the trip notes in full you fool - NOT JUST THE SECTION ON WHAT FOOD YOU WILL BE EATING FATTY!)

So I'm going phone-less which makes sense, I went overseas over a decade ago and didn't have a mobile and I was fine - but that was before my brain was conditioned to text people with my every thought - and before the invention of Google Maps (which I am desperate to get

implanted in my skull).

I also recently learnt that Japan doesn't have many street names or signs. Hmmm I get lost in Melbourne - WITH MAPS and WITH STREET SIGNS - and I can speak the language here - so let's just all imagine how insanely lost I'm gonna be for the next month. Having such terrible navigation skills actually means I am prepared and used to being lost and if I'm on my own I usually don't freak out that much - its okay if I'm not rushing to get somewher

e - its just when I arrive in Japan and get into Tokyo about 10pm where I might skitz trying to find my hostel in the dark. I might just expect and prepare myself to get lost and sleep on the streets and therefore will be pleasantly surprised when I do find my hostel. Now that is a plan!

Something else that has been playing on my mind is the thought of naked little old Japanese ladies. Now that sentence kinda sounds wrong when you say it out loud - but it's got to do with the whole communal bathing deal they've got in Japan.

Let me go into prudish paranoid western tourist mode while I make my crisis noise (errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and discuss Bath houses. Getting naked, washing down on a little plastic stool and then hopping into a vat of hot hot water with strangers has never been on my to do list. If it had been I'd have auditioned for Big Brother.

I've heard the stool showering is the worst because you're exposed but I'm just thinking about the shared hot water bath. I've never been a fan of spa baths and couldn't think of anything worse than being trapped in a bubbling resort spa with tourists. But now the bubbles are feeling like a blessing - because the still water in these bath houses means no noise. Silence. Awkward silence as your flabby bits bob around in the hot water and your cottage cheese thighs scream to everyone LOOK AT ME!

Why didn't I know about this months ago? Why have I been letting myself 'angry eat' out of the confectionery draw at work? But it's all TOO LATE!

I guess I'll just be doing a David Brent and sucking in my guts the whole time - who knows perhaps all that tummy sucking in will be equivalent to a few sit ups...

Lace and Denim Curtin Shoes.

2009-04-05T09:50:00.002+10:00

Hmmm, it seems I have the inability to wear shoes without decorations and so I've spent another evening watching Iron Chef and sticking things to my plain black cons. Lace underlay with a skirt of gathered black denim. Only time will tell if these shoes make it to the street or if I'm subjected to a dawn raid by the fashion police...

Four Days!

2009-04-05T07:38:00.004+10:00

This is what I've decided to scream at anyone who asks anything of me at work from now on. I'm literally going to pick up the phone, yell FOUR DAYS and hang up, because that's how long I've got until I'm on holiday! And it's about 12 days to JAPAN! Still trying to find the time to read my guidebook/phrase book/find a backpack/pack etc.

So it's just under 2 weeks until I can eat THIS for EVERY meal! It's just raw fish and pickles and rice but SOOO GOOD! I've been eating it at least once a week for the past two months. So salty, it's like eating the ocean and I love it.

Hopefully such healthy food and travel will keep me away from evil things like these....

which were bought on by seeing this .....

Yes I know it's a skanky half eaten (neenish?) tart but when I picked up the bag someone had left on the kitchen table, you can see what I saw, the heavenly light shining out of the bag and THE PINK ICING! which had me from HELLO! And it sent me scurrying down the street at 7pm trying to find an open bakery with a pink iced donut. No dice. But I found those bikkies which did the job.

FOUR DAYS!

Tie it Up...

2009-04-04T17:53:00.004+11:00

The never ending quest for black and white clothes continues.

I've had a bit more luck with black dye, trying it out on an oppy skirt. Pics explain all...

Before...
Clipped and in the process...

Clip marks that last...

The finished product on my stumpies (legs).

Kensington Offensive

2009-03-28T20:48:00.003+11:00

Nothing like being slapped in the face on a walk to the shops on a Saturday morning (figuratively speaking of course). I was standing at the bus stop talking to my favourite nemisis (Lindsay), he tells me to turn around and look behind me into the supermarket. I do - I see a man at the counter wearing a disgusting shirt of a naked woman with what looks like someone's head down near her crotch. But according to Lindsay that isn't the worst bit. As the man turns around I see what he means....

The first word on the shirt is JESUS in case you were wondering. Where the hell did this guy come from? What was he doing at the shops picking up a loaf of bread wearing this? What is with the HARDCORE T-SHIRT combined with the semi-diy-chaps? Are you trying to be hot/controversial/mardi-gras? Dude.What. Is. Your. Deal?

That Prom Party....

2009-03-26T17:58:00.001+11:00

It seems like I can't go to a costume party without bronzer now and to be frank, it scares me. I guess when it becomes a trifecta - three parties in a row covered in bronzer then I can freak out. Until then I'll keep myself in denial and think I don't have a problem.

So of course PROM was fabulous. I was official photographer which finally gave me an opportunity to break out my new camera. My beautiful camera! I went a bit nuts and took about 800 photos in about 3 hours. Being the official photographer made it easier to shove my camera flash in any ones face and not feel bad. Highlights of the party include:

Cup cakes. I believe they had been SAT ON, but to be honest - AT ONE AM THESE WERE THE BEST THINGS I HAD EVER TASTED. Thanks to Sarah Kanake for the sugary goodness.

Bronzer evidence exhibit A:

You can get a vague idea of my dress here, I had to cut the arms and plait the material then tie it behind my back, you see the bronzer was just to disguise my fleshy flesh - the fleshy flesh that I've collected being an office bitch sitting on my lard arse for 10 hours a day.

And of course here is also my date. A fifties lass who almost didn't make it to the Prom due to a lack of pearls. Thankfully Simone came to the rescue.

The obligatory ROBOT DANCE with my brother who looked like an Italian Wedding Singer. And yes there was a microphone and boy did he use it.

Scrap that - he doesn't need a microphone as demonstrated by the following picture. The "I'll crash your photo opp with a song" maneuver:

Another cute 50's lass and Ben - this time playing the role of "Ritchie Valens".

Jive Talking.

Guess who is back?!!!!!!!!

2009-03-25T08:40:00.002+11:00

Yes!

Gordon Ramsay is back soon in Hell's Kitchen!

I know I shouldn't LOVE this crap.

I know it's beefed up, manipulated exploitation of people with half a braincell - but man - is it entertaining?!!!

HELL YES!

I think we will have to get the old Henry St crew back together to watch this new series. It just has to be done.

Memories....

Artist Plug - Alexis Mackenzie

2009-03-24T17:55:00.002+11:00

Just wanted EVERYONE to check out this amazing lass!

Makes me extremely jealous.

More work is here at Flickr.

Now In Crafting News...

2009-03-14T17:54:00.003+11:00

Went to the Stitches and Craft expo this weekend, majorly disappointed - I probably would have been more impressed if I hadn't seen the one in the city last year because much of it was the same. The only cool thing/ idea I did see was this shoe - which is very rough and only half done - but I think it's a great idea and wish I could wear lady shoes so I could give it a go. Carol - I'm thinking you should try this...

Funnily enough I happened to be wearing my latest patch shoes. My other ones died in the arse, sorry - sole. So I bought some converse and decided to decorate them. I did them last night and if it wasn't for the fact that I got a needle stuck up under my finger nail - I'd probably unpick/undecorate them straight away because I am not convinced I like them and now looking at these photos it seems I should be a fat(ter) 15 year old emo hanging outside the Swanston Street McDonalds wearing an oversized black hoodie and laughing with my friends while drinking a combination sprite/rasberry soft drink/coke refill.

Found my prom dress! It needs a wash and it's hard to tell what it will look like until I put it on but I think it will be a good one. Not as 80's as I was initally intending - perhaps this is actually more 70's? Just a little?

Don't worry - I'll be using the arms as a halter neck, it's actually quite flattering *crosses fingers*. I'm thinking I'll wear my Janice Dickinson wig again and perhaps some 'asian eye make up'. All will be revealed next week.

Next Party Theme

2009-03-13T18:50:00.000+11:00

For that birthday coming up in September - you know that one where I'll turn that age that I don't want to talk about... Well I think I'll be having a HAIR themed party! Check out the inspiration....

BLING!

And this is my FAVE! I WILL BE THIS WOMAN AT MY B'DAY!

In other news we've got a PROM party next weekend so THIS weekend will be spent trawling through numerous op shops to find the perfect dress! I am thinking "Ugly Betty Goes Prom!" Also I am going to be playing with bleach/dye again and might make this skirt or a version of it in pants!

New Dream Destination

2009-03-11T05:22:00.002+11:00

I know you're saying GO ALREADY!

I am... soon. And I have a new place I want to stay.

Mountains!

Dropping Da Bombz.

2009-03-09T19:00:00.002+11:00

After observing my own behaviour for the past few weeks I've realised I've morphed into a TV sitcom character at work.

Yes that's right, I'm the annoying office chick wearing hand made / mismatched clothing who comes to work trying to get my co-workers onto the latest fad diet.

Week one it was No Carbs, No Sugar, All protein.

Week two it was Low GI

Week three it was Apple Cider Vinegar before every meal.

Success?

Nup. I'm still "ANGRY EATING" from the confectionary filing cabinet draw when things get too much workwise.

Other than obsessing about food I've been keeping my office buddy up to date with the latest quality news, TV shows and you tube clips. These include:

Octo-mum

Travis the Chimp (Update)

Bad drivers (Borrowed from Ben's Blog)

WARNING: DO NOT LISTEN WITH THE SOUND UP! OR YOU WILL BE AWAKE AT 3AM SINGING THE HAMSTER DANCE TO YOURSELF!

and Shipwrecked

Last week's episode highlight of "my office life" had to be "Meltdown Thursday" where I had everyone on my back for various things and deadlines to meet and not enough time in the day.

I had to email and call a co-worker to see when she was submitting her work so it could be read by the bosses. One of these boss type people Lesley - an older woman with a calendar of Maltese Terriers on her office wall - has secretly (and affectionately) been nick named: The Lez Bomb by one of my other co-workers and because it's inappropriate and makes me laugh I've also adopted it.

So I send an email asking for the document in question saying: "Hey Dude! Where is your episode? The Lez Bomb is desperate for it!"

Note: I've never called The Lez Bomb, "The Lez Bomb" to her face or even used it in email to anyone before.

Half an hour later I get an email back from my co-worker happily delivering her document, she has finally finished and is glad to get rid of it! She also had to email it to all the various bosses in the office so they could read it. THING IS - she had attached it to THE EMAIL I SENT mentioning the words: LEZ BOMB so everyone - including THE LEZ BOMB herself COULD READ IT!

I nearly died.

I did die.

The blood drained from my face and stored itself in my right foot pinky toe.

I let out a howl through the office.

Then realised The Lez Bomb had just left the office to go shopping, her computer on and her email visible.

In panic mode I snuck into her office and 'removed' the offending email like a secret agent spy.

Went back to my desk and tried to breathe deeply into a paper bag while praying that no one else had notice the offending email.

Suddenly I'm getting reply all emails from the other bosses asking "Whats with this Lez Bomb name?"

Sprung!

I considered removing the other emails from the Lez Bomb's inbox but decided it couldn't be stopped. So I just sat back and waited to be hit by copious amounts of shit flung from a high ceiling fan.

Luckily one of the bosses took the 'it's an affectionate joke' route and made a BIG joke of it so the Lez Bomb couldn't crack it at me. But I know she's pissed at me and I still can't look her in the eye.

End of episode.

Watch it!

2009-03-09T15:49:00.002+11:00

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

go here...

So Excited. Can't Speak (Japanese)

2009-03-08T09:27:00.005+11:00

Haven't done a good update in a while. Was meaning to this morning but got stuck looking at Japan related websites.

Hopefully I am staying here...

Which has been given great reviews and has a good location.

And I'll be buying lots of pretty things like this and this.

I somehow want to get my grubby mits on a jacket like this....

In another crafty (mis)adventure I am currently stitching a childlike (completely intentional :P) design onto a grey cardigan. See here for starters....

It will look better later I am sure.

Oh Dance Baby, Oh Dance Baby.

2009-03-07T09:26:00.001+11:00

New Flight of the Conchords!

Loving it.

Crafty MisAdventures - Top in Town

2009-03-01T17:16:00.000+11:00

I really want(ed) tie dye stockings - in an attempt to figure out if I should bleach black tights or dye white ones (nb. It's impossible to find white tights) I ended up doing a top. Thing is the top kind of turned out a little bit too tie dyed and I was fast on my way to (being single) and on the train to Bogan City with this little number...

So after some cutting, lace stitching, spray painting and more sewing I think I've ended up with some thing I can wear while narrowly avoiding the fashion police.

And to continue with the bad fashion I'm itching for these classy numbers...

MisAdventures in Craft

2009-03-01T14:57:00.000+11:00

In an effort to express myself creatively – feed my Peter Pan Syndrome / look foolish – I have started decorating my shoes again. Again they’re the Big W 10 dollar shoes with paper thin rubber soles. So far I’ve only managed to do one shoe during my busy schedule and here are the results. When I look at my foot it gives me 80's flashes - thanks to my sparkly Michael Jackson glove sock.

They look better in real life.

A while back I also bought myself some hot pink spray paint as I wanted to scrunch up a pair of boots and spray them.... Here is the progress...

They're more red than hot pink -the jury is still out.

And lastly my lion clock -consisting of my op shop lion and over sized watch...

Yes. I have the creative skills of a 12 year old...

Killer Clips - CSS

2009-02-28T20:27:00.001+11:00

WATCH THIS!

2009-02-26T19:40:00.000+11:00

LEAVE YOUR BRAIN ON THE MAINLAND - YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SHIPWRECKED!

How did I miss this?

2009-02-24T22:51:00.003+11:00

It's not actually OUT in Australia yet but how could I have read about it and then forgotten about it?

A friend from work gave me the script and I just finished reading it - for the most part it was like being in some miserable confusing nightmare where nothing made sense. That is not to say I didn't enjoy reading it or that I'm not currently retrieving pieces of my brain from the wall in the lounge room.

I guess reading Australian soapie scripts for a month or two doesn't prepare you for Kaufman...

Can't wait to see it on the big screen - or DVD which I think will happen sooner rather than later.

Crafty MisAdventures - Book Covers

2009-02-24T19:51:00.004+11:00

first one by Sarah.

There is a man. In the office.

2009-02-24T16:17:00.004+11:00

Despite it already being chaotic in my TV office I think my employers have hired a man to silently walk the floor and fill up space. As you probably know a person hired to fill up the background of a scene is called an N/S (Non Speaking) Extra. And after a month of careful observation – I have finally realized we’ve got our very own N/S!

A man resembling the great Mr Lebowski – is constantly walking in and out of our emergency door, he travels past my desk and never speaks to anyone. I never see him doing any work - except eat the occasional pie - and he’s been wearing the same Hawaiian shirt for four fucking weeks!

I may have to try and talk to N/S Bearded-Hawaiian-Pie-Eater tomorrow just so I can freak him out and throw him off course. What will happen when an N/S is confronted with dialogue? Will he reply with less than fifty words and become a BP? (“Bit Part”) or will a monologue spew forth and he become a Guest cast member in our regular office cast?

Only time will tell.

... am going to be sick ...

2009-02-23T10:06:00.001+11:00

Guess Who is Coming to Dinner?

2009-02-21T10:08:00.002+11:00

Not dinner - but a show!

I will ask her to marry me.

That Week...

2009-02-15T09:06:00.004+11:00

Wow Mr Brumby wasn't exaggerating was he?

While I was sitting in front of two fans eating frozen ribena poppers and watching Gordon Ramsay screaming at restaurant owners with failing businesses and filthy kitchens - some people were facing the Apocalypse. Ouch.

It's insane to think that while some parts of the state have been burnt to a crisp, North Queensland is underwater.

I feel like running to the corner of the room and rocking back and forth screaming:
OZONE-OZONE-OZONE-BLACK-BALLOONS-BLACK-BALLOONS-BLACK-BALLOONS!!!!

Hopefully right now somewhere in Victoria some random bush fire survivor is wearing a pair of my underpants. OK - so they're not MY under pants but some that I bought to donate (along with some toiletries). It's amazing the range of things to donate, things I never even thought of - dummies for babies(or is that Dummy's? or is that Babies for Dummies?), milk formula, condoms and dog food (why does it sound so wrong writing the words condoms and dog food in the same sentence? I could literally throw up right now). All these everyday items you take for granted. The idea of having to start from scratch without a home just floors me.

Anyway I hope these people get the help that they need and the media and therefore public don't just forget about them in two weeks time. It's that awful thing where the TV news/ newspapers think 'oh this story has totally run it's course - it's not getting any hits/ratings anymore - let's talk about something else' and so they focus ALL your attention on something else - probably trivial - the scandalous life of a footballer etc and they make you forget that people are still struggling and homeless.

I guess we shall wait and see...

I'm crying already!

2009-02-06T13:19:00.004+11:00

Temperatures are expected to top 43 degrees in Melbourne on Saturday and as get as high as 46C in Mildura.

Strong northerly winds are also forecast.

Mr Brumby said it was a recipe for disaster.

"It's just going to be probably by a long way the worst day ever in the history of the state in terms of temperatures and winds," he said.

"It's just as bad a day as you can imagine and on top of that the state is just tinder dr y so people need to exercise real commonsense tomorrow, if you don't need to go out don't g o out, it's a seriously bad day."

SORRY!

Better?

How about this?

Force Feeding myself Japanese...

2009-02-04T08:26:00.003+11:00

The title of this post seems weird (an oxymoron) because AS IF you'd ever have to force my piggy self Japanese food! But I'm referring to the language.

I have a lovely Japanese New Yorker Sachico Naka Gome (sp?) who comes on the ride to work with me each morning. She talks at me but I'm half asleep and therefore I either tend to block out the sound of her voice completely or I remember something for 2 seconds and then forget it and have no idea what the English equivalent is. I also have a strong feeling that I have subconsciously memorised all the ENGLISH parts of the Japanese lessons, "Hello and welcome to Japanese Survival Phrases. Make sure you stop by our website. Japanese Survival Phrases dot com and download the....."

But all is not lost - I plan on getting me another MP3 lass tutorial so I can start learning more than: Where is the toilet? Thank you, Hello, how say hello when I pick up the telephone and "not it was no problem to come and visit your daughter in intensive care at the hospital, I'm her friend it's the least I could do!" (That was one example of where you'd use a formal 'you're welcome')

What worries me though is - even if I do by some miracle remember how to say Where is the toilet? How the fuck am I going to understand their response? I am guessing there is going to be a lot of me doing my "CRISIS NOISE" when I am on my holiday.

Errrrrrr

In other news I think I am going to try and come back to work after my holiday. COP OUT! I hear you scream. I know but I'm thinking - I shouldn't give up a perfectly good job - sorry - a job when I get back and have no money. Anyway nothing is final yet so let's not count any body's chickens.

And now I must leave because I am asleep and illiterate.

Surrounded by. Idiots

2009-01-27T19:40:00.004+11:00

35 Degrees at 7.40 PM

This week is supposed to be the hottest week in ONE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS.

So what do my housemates do?

USE THE OVEN! In a house with NO AIR-CONDITIONING.

#$@$#JK#$J!!!!K@!#@$@$

Before that I saw TWO - count them - TWO guys walking up the street wearing these....

Seriously - line up people for a smack in the face!

Passport Found~!

2009-01-25T18:03:00.004+11:00

Unfortunately passport was a mere skeleton and had expired at the end of last year*.

Other 'finds' while locating passport:

Packs of unopened gum that expired 2 years ago (? I didn't know it went off!)

Melted Anti-Col cough lollies.

Badges

A knitted potato chip (see here)

Wasabi

An unnatural amount of safety pins

dust!

LOTS of DUST!

(*Hope that it doesn't take long to renew! Otherwise I am STUFFED.)

Not. Going. No. Where*

2009-01-25T16:55:00.003+11:00

From the author of the best selling straight to paper back trilogy:

"Yes this is my bedroom and yes I CAN live like this"

"No my bedroom hasn't been trashed in a home invasion"

and

"What do you mean? I HAVE cleaned my room"

Comes the picture book: 1000 and 1 places to hide your out of date passport! A guide for those safety conscious folk who want a fun 2 month treasure hunt before trying to depart for overseas!**

An excerpt....

Sick of always stumbling over your IMPORTANT documentation like birth certificates and passports? Follow this easy hide and seek guide and you'll NEVER have to worry about finding your ID again! And if you're worried about identity theft - forget about it! Why? Because following my simple suggestions you can simply ERASE YOUR OWN IDENTITY by never being able to find your identification again! So gather up your essential ID and let's begin....

Places to hide your passport are plentiful - but let's not make it too easy or boring. Place your passport in a large book shelf between two books, squish it in far so it can't possibly be seen. When you're satisfied with your result spin around on the spot and then remove the book and place it between another two books. Keep doing this until you've got no frickin' idea which way is up and where your passport is located.

What's that? You've got a shoe box full of old photo negatives? Perfect. Whack your passport inside and shove it under your bed where it is fully covered in the entire dust mite population of the southern hemisphere.

Other quick and easy hiding spots:

Under a rug

Freezer

Behind your bookshelf

In between the lid of your scanner

In a bag full of clothes for the op shop

Empty Fishtank.

The pocket of an old winter coat.

*I am aware this is a double negative.

**Soon to be made into a full length feature film..."Passport Be Gone!"

Back at work, potential awkwardness ahead.

2009-01-21T20:39:00.003+11:00

Day eight - it feels like WEEK EIGHT.

So nothing has changed. I'm still kicking shit around the office so to speak. Fetching coffees like a surly waitress.

I've made a vow to myself (did I tell you already?) that by the time I am...let's not talk numbers - but by the time it's my next birthday (when I am THREE ......AND ZERO) I am NOT GOING TO BE IN A JOB WHERE I AM FETCHING COFFEES FOR PEOPLE. I SWEAR IT!

Note: I can actually handle fetching coffees for people who deserve it - people who are higher above me and who have important work to do - but I'm sorry if you're on WORK EXPERIENCE - a trainee - then seriously GET YOUR OWN FUCKING COFFEE. It's not totally their fault - it's the way the system works/ how it was set up. Whoever set it up needs a slap in the face. Why would I - when I'm run off my feet with a million things to do and DEADLINES want to venture out into the 30 plus degree heat and buy coffees for people who are sitting around chatting? WHY?

Ok so I think you get my point.

The plan right now is: 10 weeks to go - (in which time I have to teach my rock of a brain SOME Japanese) then it's Japan for (just under?) a month and return to OZ with no job and no plan!

YAY.

I am LOVING the security of the TV industry. LOVING. IT!

So what to do? Go back to kicking the poo ON 'THE STREET' or do I get another job somewhere else where I'll probably be kicking a different type of poo around a different office? I actually like the show and the people I work with (except for "loud voice" who is soon leaving) but who knows if there is room to move....

Anyway - here is how I am going with the other language thing...

This is my brain....

(Yes that is a TEFLON plan.)

And this is the language....

I just realised what the title of this post was called. It's related to my apparent infatuation with a guy at work. Some random guy appears today in the office (working on a different show) and because the universe is warped I suddenly and accidentally keep making eye contact / running into this guy ALL DAY LONG. Think of it - 11 hours of looking up from your work/unclogging the photocopier and coming face to face with Random Guy. By the end of the day I know this guy thought I was totally into him. Oh well at least he's not DateMan (over sixty and asking me out on a date.)

Op Shop Disturbia

2009-01-11T17:03:00.003+11:00

Believe it or not I am easily shocked, I guess I knew this happened but never saw pictures of it before...

And if you think it's just men dressed in furry suits - think again. Read this:

They are actually PLAYING ICE HOCKEY! They are competitive over the puck, one is defending the goals - There is a referee! They must know the rules! WHAT? HOW? WHY?@!#!#@

And this one - why is she letting that "Paul-Mecurio-Wanna-Be" scoot her around the ice, in a skirt and skates? Just bite his face off!

The night Tony Soprano saved my life...

2009-01-09T20:02:00.003+11:00

That sounds rather dramatic doesn't it?

Well I guess it's kind of true - you see a few weeks back we noticed the hot water system was leaking. But in true house spirit we merely mopped it up with some dirty clothes lying on the laundry floor and thought "oh we'll have to tell the landlords next door" before all scrambling from the scene of the crime and returning to important matters like Facebook.

Weeks went by, I got addicted to watching The Sopranos back to back for days on end while my sloth of a body merged with the couch. And it wasn't until series three, disc 1, episode 1 when art imitated life and I saw Tony Soprano's hot water system leaking and that it subsequently BLEW UP and flooded their basement that I decided to pop next door and let them know.

After closer inspection it was revealed that our hot water system had also exploded and now a few days later, we're now the proud new owners of a brand new metal tank in the backyard. Thank you Mr Soprano!

Nerd Alert

2009-01-09T19:03:00.002+11:00

I'm sorry - but I'm giddy about this...